Blog

Ah, the holidays. Is any time of the year more surreal? The world transforms into a wonderland of the Christmas ideal, bombarding you with tradition and nostalgia. Movies are no exception. There’s enough saccharine schmaltz in the Lifetime holiday schedule to put you in a diabetic coma. But what about viewers with more…shall we say, eclectic tastes? 

A Christmas Story, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (the GOAT, in my opinion), Rudolph, Elf, and It’s A Wonderful Life are classics for good reason. That’s not even the tip of the candy cane iceberg. But sometimes the holidays need a sprinkling of blood. A few pinches of cursing. Maybe a dash of nudity. There are thirty-one days in December, and they can’t all be wholesome. 

Behold, the Naughty List––Christmas movie classics from the Ritchie household. 

A trio of mothers stressed out by Christmas hit their breaking point and vow to make the holiday fun again. When their mothers show up unannounced, the two generations butt heads in a hilarious blend of raunchy humor and sweetness.

The good: A Bad Moms Christmas nails the insane pressure and expectations that mothers endure during the season. I don’t have children, and I still got the vapors as Mila Kunis rattled off everything expected of her during the holidays. 

The great: R-rated gags and one-liners with just enough edge to poke fun at your holiday spirit without sinking into depraved Bad Santa territory. 

The classic: Every actress and their masterful comedic timing, but specifically the grandmothers. Christine Baranski’s deadpan verbal abuse, Susan Sarandon’s clueless neglect, and Cheryl Hines’ clingy insanity steal every scene. 

Together for the holidays, the dysfunctional Engel family is so awful to each other that young Max rips up his letter to Santa. Max curses Christmas and draws the ire of legendary folk terror, Krampus, who is hell-bent on punishing their bad behavior. 

The good: The opening credit sequence of shoppers fighting over sales (as their children cry) captures everything that’s wrong with commercial Christmas in a few short minutes. 

The great: Krampus’ toys are nightmarish, especially for PG-13, and they hunt the family with sadistic glee. The Jack-in-the-Box with a predator mouth eats children!

The classic: Director Michael Dougherty proved with Trick ‘r Treat that he knows how to capture the essence of a holiday. Krampus isn’t a parody but rather an absurd and scary reflection of what Dougherty cherishes about Christmas. 

After an underage Russian prostitute dies in childbirth, midwife Anna translates her diary to track down the baby’s family. This places her in the crosshairs of Russian organized crime in London, including a terse driver rising through the ranks. 

The good: Christmas is only a backdrop for the story, but it permeates every shot of London. Also, at an hour and forty-one minutes, there’s a brisk pace to the storytelling with zero wasted time.  

The great: Anna is a woman coming to terms with her own loss and finds a chance at a brighter future with the orphan. Often that’s exactly what people need during the holidays––hope.

The classic: Viggo Mortensen is unrecognizable in his tattoos and sheer menace that could explode at any moment. His nude fight in the bathhouse is notably brutal, but it’s the quieter and nuanced moments of his performance that invoke classic gangster films. 

Harold & Kumar are no more. Kumar got kicked out of med school and has been smoking his way through life. Harold, however, has a picturesque house in the suburbs, a Wall Street job, and is hosting his in-laws for Christmas. When Kumar burns down the father-in-law’s homegrown tree, the duo scramble to secure a tree on Christmas Eve before the family returns from mass. 

The good: All of the Harold & Kumar checkboxes are marked: gross-out comedy, weed, NPH, and even a silly, violent Claymation sequence. But the A Christmas Story throwback may be the most memorable laugh. 

The great: Danny Trejo. He doesn’t have much screen time, but he kills it as the hardass, disapproving Mexican father-in-law. 

The classic: Who doesn’t love a story about friends reconnecting at the holidays? The beautiful friendship that fans grew to love over the previous films takes hits in this one, but they come out better people for it. The Harold & Kumar franchise has always worn its heart on its sleeve, and that good nature comes through more than ever. 

When excavations on a nearby mountain release something insidious, the children of Lapland go missing. Only tracks of bare feet are left behind. Young Pietari fears that the real Santa has come to punish the children, a theory scoffed at by the adults…until the culprit falls into their hands. What to do with a feral, wild Santa? 

The good: For a small film, the effects and scale of the story are ambitious. Rare Exports isn’t a campy movie made for laughs. There’s real talent on and behind the camera.

The great: Authenticity. This is a Finnish dark fantasy story told through a child who was raised on the lore. Anyone can make an evil Santa film, but few can do it with absolute cultural confidence.

The classic: How the story evolves. I can’t say much without spoilers, but what the film’s title means is brilliant. The final few minutes solidify its status as an all-time Christmas classic. 

*BONUS TV BINGE* 

“A different kind of vampire story.” Charlie Manx kidnaps children in his Wraith and, after stealing their souls, brings them to his perverse “Christmasland.” Meanwhile, artist Vic McQueen discovers that she can find lost things on her motorbike by accessing a supernatural “Shorter Way” bridge. When the kidnappings hit close to home, she’s the only one who can stop Manx. 

The good: The depiction of small town, blue-collar life. Vic’s biggest fear is getting stuck in Haverhill, ending up like her alcoholic father and crazy mother, but family is never simple. People can be both good and bad. Without that relatable struggle, viewers wouldn’t be emotionally invested in Vic or her supernatural plight. 

The great: Joe Hill’s take on a vampire is addicting. Where else can you see a Rolls-Royce Wraith steal children’s souls, leaving them fanged abominations while restoring the youth of its psychotic rat-faced driver? 

The classic: Ashleigh Cummings puts in some of the best work I’ve seen on television this year, and when paired against Zachary Quinto? Genius. 

There you have it, a small taste of the movies in our Christmas rotation. The list is by no means complete, but perhaps one or two will become a new tradition for your household. 

Whatever you watch during the holidays, please do so with the people you love. Engage with each other. Make new memories. Let the stories act as a bridge to bring you closer. After all, it’s who you spend time with that matters, not what is on the television.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!